i do what i want !

Im a sucubus
i cant handle your affection
the closer you get the more i pull away
im yearning for thy sweet taste , i've never felt any arms around me
love me like tomorrow , shall never see the day

i need swet reality, of your smell on my bed
misery is my hostage and i dont want it to leave
because my heart bleeds hundreds , when hear your voice
i'd like to think im loved, if thats a choice
i wouldnt want to die if it means without love

i would want at least a faint memory of something to enter twin
something to need and a pleasure of a different kind
men look at me all the time, but nobody will ever want me, and everyday my heart hurts and
my breathe catches away, as i remember that i will never be thought, not here or now , today
im as lonely as yesterday....

im sitting on my bed, and all i here is the voice in my head laughing , because it knows that i only punish myself for thinking that someone , somewhere would actually like me , i have fucking tried to be confident and social but the truth is im just never going to be

Loved 

And that is  just about all i have ever wanted .

rockish night out

The blood imposes all sense
for you, are nothing more to me 
i need the kiss t last just as long
while juleit plays her dying song


to kill is to please my dear essence
forced from day to dusk
andif i may become your very nightmare
i'll begin with your metal heart
a sadness that tears the limbs,
to eat away at the very core
never settling, to please thy lady
it turns a corner, a further maybe
i cant shake the feeling i have reckoned
your love dies hardly in my eyes
will your fury take some pain away
amnesia at the very best
i need you sadly to say, to leave out all the rest
and if this kiss shall melt,
just as your act has done its bid


thy lies shall foil and fold,
untold misread , or understood
could i, have been any good?
the next woman whom lies on his bed


should have tasted the the silence of truth
our age fades faster than usual, this is my youth 
this is my youth, this is, my very youth.

I wish he were real :(

iim waiting for you, yasmin..even if it means forever,because ever since i met you, i realized that i can be the man i always wanted to be, for you i'd give anything.

we would go to a cottage sometimes in vancouver and getaway together,
we would go swimming at midnight in the lake and we could cook beautiful food  in the day .
His name is jonah and his family are Armenian and they are muslim too, i met him while i was out in town in vancouver while he saved me from a car, and we looked straight into eah others eyes and we just knew that we were meant to be, he is wealthy but not a billionaire, enough to make me feel veery stable, he showers me with cute unique stuff everytime, and is lucky to have found me.once i was walking to my apartment in London and a guy tried to take me away , and he punched the guy the guy away and there was a mark on my arm he looked pained because he thought it was his fault, he took me to my apartment and i asked him to stay the night because i was scared and he did.

he smells amazing too, and i asked him once what he liked about me, and he replied that it was everything, and that i just drove him wild just looking into my eyes, he said that he would love to protect me and hold me  in his arms, he said to be that he would rather die and lay a finger on me, he said that his heart warms up when he says me smile and we kiss he said that i am probably the only person in the world next to his father that can make him laugh,


once he fell asleep i my lap when we next to the fire in our home, as i stroke his hair, and drink some hot chocolate.

he wakes up next morning next to me and looks my the eyes

Awkward just got a new name ..

Where do i begin this little hysteria i believe that i will start with the most embaressing

Well the fact that 20 different ladies were pulling me around the place like an ideiot and the fact that i smelt like sweat was mostly embaressing and last but not least the fact that they forced me to hold the fucking guys hand i was like whaaaaaaaaat the fuck do you take me for , and he was like wha the fuck himself ,

It was just so embaressing and i really wonder why i get into those awkward positions, like hat the hell, like this put me off ever being with anyone, i actually know that i want to be single.

And the fact that my sis kept repeating that i'm ugly, staple be with it. oh no...those not enough room for your little comments because is already full up on my own ugly comments, lost.i know.

You know something, i dont ever think anyone could love me or like me ....i can be amazing, i could light up some guys world , i could make him wish he were with me every moment, but the confident side of my persona has taken such a toll since 2009, and i really dont know how i am, im a dreamer,
a girl who just wants to be loved, and wants to be held and told that im beautiful with meaningful eyes and told that i was just dreaming and that i wasnt ever depressed and that im out going .i wish with al my heart that this life was a story told and not mine to live .

no, there isnt a place in my heart because my heart is gone, over the years it was breaking apart until it was all gone, i feel as though people are repulsed by me, im not going to stop being fashionable but i dont think im going to act like i am anything special because its soooooooooooo difficult to like myself when i have so many people telling me different things ...they have this look on there face like they know im ugly but they dont want to tell me, and i think the look they give me is the most painful of all, because they actually think im ugly enough not handle the truth, i can handle it.i think.

im done with asking myself what i want because there is no point of it, 
but right now i want to wear a pretty dress, have my memory whipped clean and go to portablello and camden and just have so much , try things on with a guy best friend and just live...
get a really fruity juice ,just live .




we could run through the city and have such a blast and so much fun.

and im university and when i go back to my apartment everything is just the way i want it,
ith my cat and two best friends :D




  i would sleep in here with my cat sookie and i would just rest my butt off
my heart is broken , and i can feel it, its hurts knowing you'll never be loved




sookie! <3


to be quiet honest, i think im going to be lonely for quiet sometime, no one ask me out and even if they do i'll just turn them away,what can i
 do.Forever alone i guess, relieve exists when i don't exist at all.

i will surely have my trusty cat by my side so we can tackle everything together, if i do end up living alone i might get two cats , dunno, and if i don't get married i might adopt a baby girl.
I wanna be in love with only you, i watch the sky turn grey then blue .

i soooo remember when i use to obsess over his body...wow how things have changed since then,

, i reeeeaally want this dress! its going to take 2 weeks to come but i don't care because i reeally think its elegant and floury and just perfection  .
I would wear this to an evening out in london with a leather jacket.

i just feel like i want to live normally, and truthfully ...i feel like i am going to be saying this forever..
i wouldnt mind having a guy friend ..something different to talk about for a while.
or to take off into the night sky on a holiday to vancouver that would change my life forever...and i would go with my best friend ,
 i just want to live comfortably with no worries ...to have a guy admire me like in Great Expectations...
Some guy who secretly paints me ...and is madly in love with me ..i wouldnt mind

   

The swell season

o.m goodness

I can hardelly breathe .I thought my eyeyo died , and soi was prepared to die slowly inside ....and then ....my mother started crying ...she is pregnant...now my family are not religious but they certainly recognize the big  sins, my mother is going to drive herself crazy with tears all week, how could she do this ...and one thing ...saynub is a big woman, but to hoyo she is still that same teenger that always used to help her with the house, but one thing, she kept saying my beautiful daughter my son, hoyo doesnt see us, were nothing to her, if all her children died today and she still had saynub and ismail, she would at least half content.the fact that she screams i want to die troubles me, i family never was religious and i was mothers and fathers fault for the way the two eldest ones turned out, they are like that because of the somali way, and my mother and everyone else asks me why i dont like somali men, they are dogs, actual dogs, and as usual hoyo will just cry her heart out until she is sent to hospital , im exhausted of this, emotional rollercoaster with this family, i feel like im stepping on egg shells , next a death , an acccident .... how is she going to cope with life if she  keeps losing it when something happens , if my daughter got preggie then i would get her to live with me and keep it to the family. i think this is carma.because hoyo aaaaalways taks about what happened to other women and she nevereeee expects anything to happen to her, she looks at other women and craves there life, she never cares for her other children never.honestly i have lost respect for saynub because she just acts like this out of control teen, seriously if your going to get involved with guys ( especially) somali than be prepared for the wip lash because somali men are filth, all of them, they will fuck you over and ruin your whole life , its something i have seen over and over agian, its typical its there way of life and you know what? i dont have to be loyal to anyone ...its so funny that when something happens she calls sam and not me ...at the end of the day hoyo is going to die because of her panic attacks i find it sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard tobelieve that she could acatully care about us when she would rather have us dead then have her daughter pregnant before marriage, i knew that one day something like this was gonna happen ...i give up. i resign caring ...hoyo will always be the same. and i will have no place in this house .

why oh why does she like fucking with my life, i try to have quiet nice evening, made some food for mum the next dayd the supid fat bitch has to eat all of it invite her friends over and and give them some to , she thinks that i am not talking to her because im scared but to be honest i am not talking to her because her voice annoys the living fire outta me she is just frustrating as fuck and has no freaking brain to function. i have dont nothing wrong to her, my whole life and she just waltz in and fustartes things , fucking obese cow!, like what is her aim through out all of this ? annoying me into talkig to her ? well that isn't going to happen i just have enough of her she has been ruining my life for as long as i can remember and i have had enough ....she doesnt listen to hoyo me or anyone so what am i soposed to do, when hoyo comes back i am going to tell her everything she did and i am gonna make hoyyo send her to hargeisa because she is a poser and a fake and she fucks up my head , she is just sooooooo annoying , haha and how her friends try to get to know me like nooo get out the fucking house u fat fucking pigs . such a waste of time they are , when i get into uni, i kind of wonder what fucking hights she will get to ruining my fucking life because the vibe that i am getting is JEALOUSY , because when i get my degree and go on holidays and get my new wardrobe i will laugh at her fucking insect infected face ,


: she is even wearing my abiya , she is fucking hilariousssssssss i have had enough of this bitch ....what thye fuck....wlah i cant fucking deal with this bitch .

She goes on my bed ,,,fucks it up, irons on my bed , takes my things and expects me not to do ANNNNNY THING ABOUT IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOD I HOPE SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAPPENS TO THAT BITCH .