Home before home

my mums gone and i woke today with the same calm feeling i had when my mother was never here .I wish she was one of those people you visit and that's about it.Living with here isn't nice .I always feel lost uncomfortable and frustrated, that's the usual, like something is holding me back from life, and i know its her, right now i feel like i am capable of anything like i can be confident , but when my mothers here its just this lost demented feeling.I know she has a jinn in her  but i wish she could get help, because she needs it.im worried about when i get into university, will she be worse than this, only caring about herself and no one else? because i did not know it were a crime to want to be happy, and i think i needed this day, to calm myself down and to find myself, which i most certainly do.My mother cares for no one but herself and thats a shame because she had kids that once cared for her, there is hope for me, and today i realized that its my mother which has made me in-confident and low self esteemed for myself, i love myself, its just hard to carry on being who i am when such bad negativity is everywhere.